The second agreement from Don Miguel’s Ruiz’s book, aptly named, “The Four Agreements”, is simple and freeing:
“Don’t take Anything Personally!”
How easy it is to watch others… we can see a child having a tantrum and know he doesn’t really “hate” his mother; we see a senior citizen mad at the customer service representative and know that senior may have had a very challenging day even getting to the store (it wasn’t the fault of the person at the counter or service rep).
Yet, when it happens to you, when someone criticizes you or yells at you, it can be more difficult! You may feel offended and your reaction is to defend yourself, defend your beliefs, and create conflicts. You may make something big out of something small because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. You may hold onto this negative energy for hours, days, weeks or even longer! But… maybe that person was simply having a bad day; maybe that person needed to feel better about themselves; maybe that person comes from a different culture/background with different beliefs; maybe it wasn’t about you at all, it was about them.
So much sadness and drama in our lives is caused by us taking things personally. It is true at every age — children, teenagers, college-aged, new career, soccer moms, aging executives, and the elderly. We know those who seize onto the drama. As parents we have been fond of saying in the face of a tantrum, “when the audience leaves ,the show is over.” The same holds true here, when we don’t take it personally, the drama and negativity fade.
When we create new habits to Not Take it Personally, we find peace, serenity, connections, understanding (as we seek to understand), compassion, love… such wonderful ways to fill our days and lives!
As a life-long student of leadership and mindfulness, I found the following list of 9 Things to Give Up quite interesting related to the agreement not to take anything personally —
I reflected on this list from different perspectives – from the eyes of a child, or a worn-down or complacent colleague, a grumpy complainer, even from the perspective of a successful executive… I know many CEO’s who have mastered the first 6 on this list toward happiness (and success) but remain highly sensitive to the last 3. Obviously, it is these last 3 which highly correlate to “Don’t Take Anything Personally”. I would argue that if a senior leader truly wants to build a healthy and sustainable organization they must master these last 3 for themselves personally and professionally.
I will also put forward, for those of us who may not have mastered these last 3 aspects DURING our careers, retirement is a fantastic time time to tackle them and experience the many FREEING aspects of letting them go. I now regularly challenge myself to let go of these limiting needs. (See: L’Eggo My Ego!)
It will take time… we are working to change habits that we have established over a lifetime; but the benefits are great. By Not Taking Things Personally we open our curiosity and awareness to understand the world around us, to learn more about others and ourselves, to try new things, be silly, have fun, and to maintain thoughtful focus on our priorities, development, health and happiness instead of being distracted by and engaging in poisonous drama. Sounds pretty good to me… ready to give it a try!?
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