This year, I have been pursuing a journey trying to move from a perspective of entitlement to eventually discover a place of enlightenment. It is not always a smooth journey, it is much longer than I initially realized, and I am learning much along the way. Who knows if I will ever make it, or if anyone ever does, but let me share a little about my experience along the way. For those of you who want the bottom line: sharing love and gratitude are keys to finding joy and connection.

I always knew I didn’t like to be “just another number”. I enjoy feeling special and standing out in some way – successful at work, ready to take (or crave?!) the limelight, motivated by titles, bonuses, awards… heck, even now, I am writing a blog!  Not all of this is bad, but important to recognize it and see how these motivations can affect your behavior. Successful corporations do a wonderful job of motivating and manipulating people (consumers and employees) by playing on these desires.

During my inward journey this year while, hopefully, on a path a few steps closer to enlightenment, I have also realized the surprising extent to which I can make quick judgements about people. I can try to rationalize the reasons why this judgemental approach might have been helpful in my past as a successful executive – efficient interactions, fast decisions, artificially build my self confidence – but I also realize the great extent to which this attribute has robbed me of greater joy, greater connectedness, and greater learning. More on this in insight in a future post.

I also reflect on how I and others sometimes go a step further and act from a perspective of entitlement. You can find this sense of entitlement in people from all walks of life. Politicians talk about poor people who feel entitled to governmental assistance. Our society sits squarely in a place of entitlement as we suck resources from the earth with little care or regard for what impact that has on the world or its future. Many people, from toddlers to elders, act from a place of entitlement as they seek attention wanting to feel special or appear successful. In each case, we impose our wants and wishes on others emphatically looking for special handouts, attention, or treatment in every corner of our lives.

This place of entitlement (seeking to RECEIVE) has mixed results. In a quest for special treatment, special requests, and total attention, one might have a good experience but mixed with high expectations, heightened stress, increased distractions, and a greater chance for disappointment in each experience or interaction. Inadvertently, our quest to feel special can also distance ourselves from others as we impose ourselves on them.

My family and I have been on several cruises over the past few years. On multiple occasions we have received VIP treatment through a connection we have at the cruise line. While there were a few nice perks, in the whole the experience would inevitably leave me disappointed. I started to expect special treatment, an entitlement, wherever I went and if I wasn’t treated to the ever increasing level of my growing personal expectations, I felt slighted.

Compare this with coming more commonly from a place of sincere gratitude (seeking to GIVE) where we give authentic appreciation, gratitude, and kindness to everyone we meet. If we bring sincere gratitude to our interactions with others we are able to help them feel valued and special and receive so much more in return. We create an abundance of joy, personal connectedness, and a range of new learnings. Ironically, you may even get special treatment in return though that should never be a goal or expectation. Thus, any special treatment will surprise you even more and drive your appreciation even higher.

More and more often now I try to reach out and connect with people who might be overlooked and could use some appreciation. My favorite people from our recent cruise were the maintenance men I happened to meet near the waterslide (yes, there were waterslides onboard)!

It was evening and they were standing by the waterslide exit in their white maintenance jumpers watching and smiling as the families enjoyed the ride. As I waited for my kids to come down the slide, I asked these gentlemen if they were responsible to take care of the ride. They replied, “yes”. I asked if they had ever been on the ride and was surprised to hear them reply “no”. They asked if I had been on it. I said yes and took a minute to describe the ride to them from my perspective – the surprises and joy it created. They beamed from ear to ear. They asked if it was scary so I told them about the thrill and the suspense before you start the drop. They asked if it was fast, so I tried to explain how it felt as you dropped and turned. I told them I certainly hoped they would have the chance to enjoy the ride they help maintain sometime soon.

When my children came down from the slide, I introduced them. My kids were excited to meet these two magical maintenance men from the other side of the world who had helped create their joy. As my children smiled, they did not hesitate to thank them and tell them how much they enjoyed the ride. It was natural; to my kids, these magical maintenance men were celebrities!

This one minute interaction with these two men was one of my favorite from this cruise. Spontaneous interest, joy, and appreciation without judgement or expectation.

As I reflect back on other cruises, all of our most memorable interactions with diverse staff were where we took the time to show gratitude and learned so much in return:

• the Philippine waitress my wife and I met at a slow morning breakfast on a cruise years ago – we asked her about her background and learned she was supporting her family including her two year old baby. She had been away from her baby for 10 months and was about to go home to visit. This interaction stuck with us and gave us great appreciation for what these committed people were doing.
• the Indian steward we befriended on one cruise – our children left him thank you notes for the towel animals he created daily. Amazingly, we saw him years later on another cruise ship and we even remembered each others names!
• the camera salesman from Bolivia who we spoke to during his slower times on one cruise – he told us how he had worked up from the laundry on the ship, to work in a kitchen, then a server, finally to explore his passion for photography and become a salesperson in the camera store. Our connection grew such that when he had a few hour break, he met us to teach my son more about his new camera and took us on a unique photo expedition throughout the ship — all during his break! We think of him every time we use the camera.
• the crew member from the Dominican Republic who helped our friend conquer a fear of heights by escorting her through a ropes course during his break from working the same course (yes, there was a ropes course onboard!).

These mindful interactions will stay with us for life. We learned, we connected, and we had great experiences with crew members from all walks of life. Instead of coming from a place of entitlement or judgement, we came from a place of gratitude and openess – and as we tried to give gratitude, we received so much more in return.

Upon reflection, I recall stories of the Dali Lama visiting the U.S. and surprising those seeing him as he took the time to thank all of the servers, maids, and maintenance people he met at hotels in which he stayed. He walks the talk: Everyone is valued, everyone is special!

…maybe I am moving in the right direction on my journey after all?!

Who have you expressed sincere gratitude to recently? What did you learn?!